If you know anything about the Fae, you know the first rule: never tell them your true name. With that information, they have power over you. And when the Fae have power over you, things tend to go sideways fast.
Now, you may or may not be in regular conversation with trickster spirits from the realm of fairy—but you are in regular conversation with your emotions. And in this case, the same rule applies. But here’s the twist: you’re the one who gains power when you name what’s really going on.
Emotions Are Part of Being Human
Have you ever been in a conversation that took a hard left turn? One minute you’re talking about what’s for dinner, and the next your heart rate is up, your skin is flushed, and you hate everyone.
An emotion snuck up on you.
Let’s set aside (for the moment) how it got there, how valid it is, or who’s responsible for inviting it to the table. The point is: it’s here. You’re feeling it. And you are the one with the opportunity—and the responsibility—to respond.
If you’re like most people, you probably do one of two things:
- You unconsciously absorb the emotion and let it drive your behavior.
- You notice it, decide you shouldn’t feel that way, suppress it as long as possible… and then, when it inevitably bubbles up, it takes over—with some extra pressure-cooked intensity.
By nature, I’m a type 2. Suppression is my go-to. While I’m in the bottling-it-up phase, I feel guilty for even having the feeling and try to intellectualize it away. When that doesn’t work, a switch flips. Guilt becomes indignation. I decide I’m the injured party. I shouldn’t have to hide my feelings. Everyone else is the problem. And then—boom—I explode with righteous fury. The release is momentarily satisfying… but the relational damage? Not worth it.
Good News: There’s Another Way
Thankfully, emotional regulation isn’t a binary choice between suppression and explosion. There’s a third way—one that allows you to feel your emotions without being controlled by them. It begins with this simple act:
Name the feeling.
Recognize it. Name it. Feel it. Thank it for its advice. Let it go.
How It Works
The first step is to catch the emotion before it takes over. To do that, look in two places: your body and your thinking.
Feel It in Your Body
Emotions start in the body. If you have a habit of listening inward, you’ll often notice them here first. The kinds of emotions that tend to hijack our behavior—fear, anger, shame—typically show up as:
- Increased heart rate
- Shallow breathing
- Tightness in your chest, throat, or stomach
- Tunnel vision
For me, it feels like I’m about to get in trouble.
Notice It in Your Mind
Not a body-check person? No worries—some of us (hi, fellow “I forget to eat” folks) are more likely to catch emotional shifts in our thinking.
Watch for:
- Mental fog or dissociation, especially around certain tasks or topics
- Binary thinking (e.g., It’s all ruined. I’m a total failure.)
- Harsh, critical self-talk
- A sudden need to control everything
All of these can be signs that an emotion is lurking under the surface, trying to protect you from something that feels risky.
Name the Feeling
Once you notice something’s up, name it. Out loud if possible, but in your head works too. Try:
“I feel defensive.”
“I feel resentful.”
“I feel lonely.”
The more specific, the better. (There’s plenty of research showing that a rich emotional vocabulary helps us regulate more effectively.)
Then breathe. Don’t fight the feeling. Don’t feed it. Just let it be.
When I can, I imagine the feeling as a fuzzy monster that comes to sit beside me on a bench. Sometimes I picture it as a younger version of me—small, overwhelmed, not sure what to do. I don’t push it away. I don’t give it the mic. I just sit with it. Curious, not judgmental. I let it speak until it’s done.
You’ll know it’s complete when your body relaxes and your mind clears. There’s usually a deep breath somewhere in there.
Take the Lesson
Once you’ve made space for the feeling, you’re in a much better position to learn from it.
Emotions aren’t bugs in the system—they’re features. They alert us to things we might not catch with logic alone.
- Are we safe?
- Are we in alignment with our values?
- Are we being taken advantage of?
- Are we taking advantage of others?
Once you’ve moved through the feeling, you can decide what wisdom to take from it—and what action, if any, to take next.
Is It Weird?
Maybe a little. People aren’t generally used to someone naming their emotions mid-conflict. But it’s also disarming. It reveals your humanity. It shows you’re paying attention to your own role in the dynamic. It interrupts escalation and resets the tone.
For me, a moment of potential awkwardness is a small price to pay to avoid dumping my feelings on my coworkers or loved ones.
In more than 20 years of practicing this, I can’t think of a single time I regretted naming a feeling. But I can think of plenty of times when I stayed silent, tried to “be tough,” and it blew up in my face.
A Leadership Superpower
This isn’t just a personal growth strategy—it’s a leadership superpower.
In nonviolent leadership, our ability to pause, notice what’s happening inside us, and choose how to respond is what sets us apart. It helps us lead with clarity and compassion, instead of reactivity and blame. It makes room for curiosity, accountability, and repair. And it builds teams where people feel safe enough to do the same.
So next time you feel yourself spinning up—tight chest, racing thoughts, foggy brain—pause. Breathe. Ask yourself:
What’s this feeling trying to tell me?
Name it. Welcome it. Listen. And then, when you’re ready, respond with intention.
It’s not magic.
But it is powerful.
Even the Fae would be impressed.